Teaser Tuesday
I am posting my teaser a bit early because I probably might not get to post it tomorrow. Um, well, this is from Lost & Found, the novel I am currently editing. The first half of chapter one is giving me problems, so I think I'm going to just skip it for now and focus on revising the second half of chapter one. Does anyone else edit out of order?
Well, anyways, this is still only the second draft, so it's not perfect.
Enjoy.
The tears that I have been holding back, slip down my cheeks, and I quickly wipe them away, not wanting to give him another reason to touch me, hold me, treat me like a child.
That is when we hear it.
The crash. Pris.
I moved down the aisle, hoping to get a closer look. Low followed close behind, as always. But I couldn't think about him. I had to think about watching for my cue. I had to think about running, running, running, until my legs gave out.
Pris was laying on the ground, flipping like a fish out of water. Her eyes rolled back, the whites pointed to the ceiling.
She was having a seizure. I wasn't sure if that was what happened when someone went into epileptic shock, but the clerk was buying it. His face was painted with concern. Real, genuine concern.
Sold.
"Are you okay?" he asked, moving from behind the counter. It was a stupid question to ask, but his heart was in the right place.
Too bad ours wasn't.
"I'm going to call ambulance." The clerk assured Pris, his eyes wide. He ran behind the counter and pulled the cordless off the wall. As he dialed the numbers, Pris winked. That was the signal. She even did it twice, to make sure I didn't miss it.
"Come on," Low whispered, his breath tickling the back of my neck. He slipped his hand into mine, and squeezed. This time I didn't pull away. A part of me knew that I needed his touch. I needed his nearness, because without it I would fall apart. I squeezed back, and then his lips were above my ear once more, kissing the little piece of skin there. "Ken, come on. You can do it."
In my peripheral vision, I could see Pris, lying on the ground, quivering and quaking like a restless wave.
I gulped.
The paramedics wouldn't be the only ones to show up.
Low seemed to realize this too, because he nudged me towards the door.
"Run," he said, firmly.
"But Lowell..." I started.
"Run," Low shouted.
I ran.
Well, anyways, this is still only the second draft, so it's not perfect.
Enjoy.
***
That is when we hear it.
The crash. Pris.
I moved down the aisle, hoping to get a closer look. Low followed close behind, as always. But I couldn't think about him. I had to think about watching for my cue. I had to think about running, running, running, until my legs gave out.
Pris was laying on the ground, flipping like a fish out of water. Her eyes rolled back, the whites pointed to the ceiling.
She was having a seizure. I wasn't sure if that was what happened when someone went into epileptic shock, but the clerk was buying it. His face was painted with concern. Real, genuine concern.
Sold.
"Are you okay?" he asked, moving from behind the counter. It was a stupid question to ask, but his heart was in the right place.
Too bad ours wasn't.
"I'm going to call ambulance." The clerk assured Pris, his eyes wide. He ran behind the counter and pulled the cordless off the wall. As he dialed the numbers, Pris winked. That was the signal. She even did it twice, to make sure I didn't miss it.
"Come on," Low whispered, his breath tickling the back of my neck. He slipped his hand into mine, and squeezed. This time I didn't pull away. A part of me knew that I needed his touch. I needed his nearness, because without it I would fall apart. I squeezed back, and then his lips were above my ear once more, kissing the little piece of skin there. "Ken, come on. You can do it."
In my peripheral vision, I could see Pris, lying on the ground, quivering and quaking like a restless wave.
I gulped.
The paramedics wouldn't be the only ones to show up.
Low seemed to realize this too, because he nudged me towards the door.
"Run," he said, firmly.
"But Lowell..." I started.
"Run," Low shouted.
I ran.
14 comments
Your writing flows so well, Raven. And I can't help wondering what's happening here. You've definitely got me hooked!
REPLYOoh, intense, suspenseful (?) stuff!! I love the underlying foreboding...hmm, I want more! :D
REPLYThere's this super awesome rhythm to your writing. I loved lines like, "I could see Pris, lying on the ground, quivering and quaking like a restless wave." It's incredibly gorgeous :)
REPLYThere's a lot of suspense here, which I like. I was a little confused at the very beginning, cos it was written in present tense, and later a switch to past tense occured. But other than that, great stuff
REPLYThis is good. Full of suspense. I only noticed a tense change, but it didn't distract me. I really want to know why this character is faking a seizure. It kind of disturbs me.
REPLYWow. Raven, this is... startling. I LOVE it. The depiction of the seizure, her quick decision - it's so engrossing. Amazing teaser!
REPLYI remember this scene, I think! I like this version - you can really get the sense of tension, and I like how it ends, how they both realize the same thing at the same time.
REPLYvery interesting, made me want to know more! Nice!
REPLYwhew! lots of tension here...kept me hooked and left me wanting more. great tease :)
REPLYOo I really want to know more! Especially about who he is and what she's running from. Great tease!
REPLYOh wow, fantastic scene. Very dark and compelling.
REPLYI really love the voice here, and I got totally caught up reading this teaser. Awesome work!
REPLY*walks in*
REPLY*gushes over comments*
Thanks guys!
Now if only I can get the rest of the novel to be like this.
*goes back to editing*
Wow, I was concerned for your characters, not sure if they'd hurt the clerk or not. I am wondering if your narrator is trapped and that is why she is running? Very interesting.
REPLY