5.1.10

Teaser Tuesday


Happy Teaser Tuesday guys!

Today's teaser is from Mirror, Mirror. I posted the first half of chapter 1 in SYW because I thought I needed a few harsh critiques. Turns out, the beginning didn't suck it just needed a little more work. So, this is probably the fourth (?) draft of the beginning. I got a lot of great feedback and I'm trying to incorporate all the suggestions that I can. Hopefully this works.


***

Pris said it was all in the eyes. You could be the worst liar in the world, but if you put your eyes into it, nothing could go wrong. The eyes were the windows to your soul, your heart.

"You ready?" she asked, her blue eyes washing over me.

"Yeah," I lied.

"Pris," Low said, putting his hand on my shoulder, " can't she just wait outside?"

His touch sent heat through my body. It wasn't a good feeling. I shrugged away from him, and then looked at Pris, my eyes furrowed.

"I don't need to wait out here. I'm ready."

She popped her gum a few times, and nodded.

"She has to go anyways. Kips orders."

"Well, Kip isn't here." The way his lips curled around Kip's name, made me want to punch him. I could feel my fingers curling and uncurling, but I kept control of myself. It wasn't like me to act violent, but there was something about Low that always put me on edge.

"Let's just go inside," I muttered, stepping up onto the sidewalk. The light spilling out of the windows of the convenient store reminded me of heaven. All pearly and white. My fingers found the tarnished cross hanging from my neck.

"Forgive me," I whispered, as I pushed open the door. A bell jingled above my head and I could see the clerk sitting behind the counter, smoking a cigarette. His black eyes met mine, and he put the cigarette out, as if he weren't supposed to be smoking when customers were around.

I wanted to tell him that it was okay. Keep smoking. We weren't customers. We were something worse.

"Hello, sir," Pris said, flashing her million dollar smile at him.

"Evening, miss." The clerk nodded his head, and the lines in his face seemed to even out. Guys always relaxed around a pretty girl. And Pris was pretty. Beautiful, even.

The kind of beautiful you see in magazines, except her teeth were yellow and she was as thin as a pole. But the man couldn't see her flaws from where he was sitting. With the fluorescent lights glowing all around her, I bet to him, she looked like an angel.

With a smile still pasted on her lips, she curled her hand around mine. "Remember the plan."

Right, the plan. I couldn't forget the plan. It was practically engraved in my mind. We went over it for days, making sure I had it down. Even though I've did this type of thing before, Kip just wanted to make sure I didn't mess up.

I was always messing up.

Pris pulled me down an aisle. I picked up a basket with my free hand, just to make it look like we were shopping.

"Good idea," she said. Snap. Snap. I hated the way she chewed her gum. It was like the whole world had to hear her.

Once we were at the end of the aisle, she let go of my hand and looked at me, her eyes burning with icy intensity. "We're counting on you, Ken."

"I know."

"I mean it, Kendall." Her voice dropped. "Don't screw up."

"I won't."

19 comments:

  1. I LOVE this new version. Seriously, could feel the tension for your MC all the way. Awesome :D

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  2. Love the little details... like the sound of her chewing gum. It made it feel real!

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  3. As usual your writing is lovely. Add to that I'm so intrigued! I need more!

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  4. Dude to write this well at fifteen (even if you are a magician) is mind-boggling! :) In a great way. I was all geared up for a description of how gorg Pris was, and then your MC said she had yellow teeth and was thin like a pole! LOL. Very unexpected and I liked it. The end makes me want to keep reading too!

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  5. This is great, Ely! Love the imagery in here--the bit with the cross and the angel is awesome. Plus, love the line about the way lips curling around Kip's name...
    Watch the repetition of "curl" right after that (unless it was deliberate) and the "furrowed eyes" (don't think eyes can furrow?)

    Those are tiny nits, tho. The tension in this bit practically crackles. Really nice job!

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  6. Great tease! I didn't catch this in SYW, so I'm glad you put it up today.

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  7. Are they going to rob the place?! :O

    Great teaser! :)

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  8. Like Bex, I'm wondering if they're going to rob the place, or if it's like she said, it's much worse as in fanasy blood or soul sucking stuff, lol.

    Loved the opening line about lying "Pris said it was all in the eyes. You could be the worst liar in the world, but if you put your eyes into it, nothing could go wrong"

    Nice contrasting images!

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  9. TENSION!! I heart it! Kept me hooked! :D

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  10. What are they going to do??? -explodes-

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  11. Great job and I love the small details, like the annoying gun chewing. Something we can ALL relate to. ;)

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  12. Wow - the tension is so amazing!!! I love this version.

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  13. Great tension and voice! I really want to smack the gum-smacking - such a great visual.

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  14. Hey there, I gave a version of this a critique in SYW (I'm silhouesque there).

    Just wanted to let you know I think this revision is great.

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  15. AHH! There's this lovely sense of discomfort here, very tangible. This is wonderful!

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  16. Tense and awesome and I LOVE the first two lines, about the eyes.

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  17. This is great. Well-paced, very visual, and interspersed with beautiful lines like "her blue eyes washing over me."

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  18. Love the revisions you made.It was good before, but now it's approaching perfection! Everything is coming together much clearer - Ken's doubts, her beliefs, why they're there, etc. The only little thing I want to point out is that in the previous version you make it sound like Ken has a thing for Low, but in this version you make it sound like she doesn't like him (the part where you talk about Low putting her on edge). Loving this story so far, you have me hooked!

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  19. Thanks for all the lovely comments guys. Seriously, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to nail the beginning, since I usually suck at writing them.

    And Angie, it's funny that you mention that. Kendall does hate Low. Which is odd, because I really like Low. So, I'm glad that you noticed her dislike for Low in this version, because I felt like I didn't make it known in the last one.

    Thanks again for reading guys :)

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